It's a New Year

New Year's has never been my favorite holiday. Years ago it was because I was an old soul who'd rather be in bed and didn't understand the fuss of staying up eating and drinking until a certain time. The new year would still be there when I woke up the next morning anyways.

Then six years ago our lives changed forever on New Year's Day when Teddy had his first seizures. It's hard to go through the holiday season without reliving at least some of those memories. I remember the terrifying moments, but I also remember the love and support from family and friends. That's the fortunate thing is that every bad is accompanied by some good, the silver lining in every cloud, so to speak.

Still, the holiday season puts us on edge a bit, Dave more than me, but we're both on edge by this point in the holiday season. Then when you throw in a night away from home where Teddy screams himself to sleep eventually (after sucking out any desire to do anything but sleep yourself for whatever time you get), a deflated air mattress (because we have horrible luck with air mattresses) and Teddy awake for the day at 4 a.m. ... I'm not even sure how to finish that sentence. Dave and I have a system, though, that involves Dave fighting through the bedtime struggle and taking early morning scenic drives through the Northwoods in the pitch dark for a couple hours. I tackled the night, wrangling Teddy on a deflated air mattress and then morning duty while Dave caught a good nap.

As I trailed Teddy outside in the winter wonderland, I struggled though. I kept repeating in my mind, "Comparison is the thief of joy," which is a favorite Theodore Roosevelt quote of mine. I enjoyed my time with Teddy, both of us bundled up appropriately, laying under snow-covered trees, chasing cousins and going for rides on the sled. I struggled, though, because we're the only ones who have to be outside for our child to play safely outside. All the other cousins, including those younger than Teddy, can play outside on their own. That means their parents can relax inside, go for walks on their own, hang out at their own cabin without a real worry about their children. And we can't. One of us always has to be on.

Now, don't get me wrong. Our families are great that they will indeed watch Teddy, and Dave's mom will frequently watch him up north so we can go for a walk or his dad will take Teddy for a 4-wheeler ride (when it's not 0). The aunts and uncles all pitch in and look out for Teddy. But it's still always our responsibility without an ask and we never want to be an imposition.

That, and sometimes the cousins are absolutely great with Teddy, including him in their play, asking him to come play with them and showing him their snow forts. And then other times the cousins end up in tears when Teddy opens their gifts or there's a chorus of "No, Teddy!" or "I don't want Teddy to follow me!" Sometimes the "No" is deserved, and sometimes Teddy's doing absolutely nothing wrong or not even in the near vicinity. There's also the "Teddy is a baby." And all the adults do their best to explain and redirect, be it Teddy or the others. I understand completely that interactions with Teddy are challenging at times because he doesn't understand all the social norms. It still is hard for me at least. 

So, this isn't very much of a happy New Year's post, but it's real. And I know this is much harder for me than it is for Teddy. In his mind, he got to see his cousins and family and two dogs and eat a lot of good food and go for an extra Tahoe ride with his dad. Not a bad two days, right?

Teddy loved the fireworks, especially the loud ones that startled all the other kids!